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Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Breaking Whomish?

Last week my brother sent me an email from Sciacca, Italy, where he is currently living as a missionary. Which is something I am so jealous of because my mission was in Ukraine. And of course I eventually learned to love the taste of beets and the smell of cheap alcohol + burning garbage. But come on. Who wouldn't rather spend 2 years kicking around lo stivale?

After flaunting his cannolis in my face for a couple paragraphs, he mentioned that Italians sometimes confuse Mormons with Amish people. I guess there was some translation mix-up when TLC brought their (LIFE-CHANGING) show "Beaking Amish" over to the big boot. Mormon=Amish or something in Italian? So people always ask him if he was a star on the series. LUCKY, RIGHT?! I mean that with total sincerity. What I would give to have loads of people think I am an Amish celebrity. But get this: He has never even seen the show. So first, he can't even comprehend how cool that is, and then, he spends the rest of his email complaining about how dumb the show sounds. I had to set him straight in my response, which follows:

Dear seƱor,

Have you ever seen Breaking Amish? Because when you were trying to explain the gist of the show last week, you left out the best parts! Like how the Amish kids are always so cool and hip and indie, but they can't express themselves because they were raised under a rock and totally oppressed by their lame parents, who are sooooooo bat$h!* crazy! But then, the kids get to leave Amishville for a week and go get drunk in New York, and they're all like "PAAAArrrrTTTaaaYYYYYYY!!!!!" for the first couple days, and then by the end of the episode they're always curled up in the fetal position, having an emotional breakdown about how much they miss their butter churn. And you get to sit back and make judgmental comments about everyone, like "I would NEVER turn my back on MY butter churn." 

It's the GREATEST most life-changing show on TV since Judge Judy! Probably, for some weird reason, Kerry and Kathy have never seen it either. [[Kerry and Kathy are my parents, who destroyed my youth by never buying cableTV]]. As the family aficionado on trashy TV, I will have to fill in the gaps for everyone, but I'm sure the collective response will be something like: "ohhhhhhh!! OF COURSE the Italians love that show!!! How could anyone not love it and when does they new season start!?!?!" 

Fun trivia fact for you: Breaking Amish was originally going to be a reality series based on my oppressed upbringing life, called "Breaking Kamish." I ended up being a major Diva, so the producers dropped the "K" and gave the show to people whose only demands were a half cup of cornmeal for lunch and a crate of wool yarn.

If I were you, I would just roll with the translation confusion to get more fans/investigators. Consider this type of approach: "Hello, My name is Elder Nielsen. I am a star from the groundbreaking TLC hit series Breaking Mormon, would you like my autograph?" 

And the iTalians will do whatever you tell them to because everyone wants to be like the celebrities! After your mission, you will have to adopt a baby from Tajikistan and name her "Watermelon" to keep up appearances of being an A-lister. but IT'S WORTH IT.

Do the Italians love Real Housewives of New Jersey too? Just assessing how much they and I have in common.

I originally was going to write you about missionary stuff or church things, but God gave me this gift/curse of being easily entertained, so all you get for the week is a 4-page essay on my love for reality TV.

Tune in next week for a thrilling drama-filled recap of The Bachelor. I will also include a detailed set of instructions on how to set up a spam filter for any future messages from

Remember who you are! (or at least remember who those mobsters THINK you are)


1 comment :

  1. This post changed my life for the better. Keep up the good work.